Campusalam

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Agreeing with angry people tends to calm them down; there are ways you can do this without caving in, losing your integrity, or letting them dominate. They tend to be subtle but have a gradual and cumulative effect in a hot conversation. For example:

(1) Partial agreement. Sometimes people show their anger or aggression by exaggerating. There may be a kernel of truth in what they say, even if the whole message is hostile or over the top. You can agree, in a mild tone of voice, with the true kernel leaving the exaggeration ignored.

‘You ALWAYS say things like that!’

‘I sometimes say things along that line, that’s true…’

(2) Or give them an unsatisfying agreement: ‘You may well be right…’ ‘You have a point…’ You’re not fuelling an argument by disagreeing, but you’re not letting them get away with it completely.

(3) ‘Moving swiftly on…’ In a neutral tone of voice, a bland and neutral intervention and diversion can sometimes just draw a line under it and you can redirect the conversation. ‘That was very interesting… anyway we need to move on now because we’re short on time’ — and change the subject. Or you can try some wry but ambiguous gentle humour, like ‘That’s certainly an argument [or] a point I’ve never thought of.’ But only do this if it won’t wind people up more.

(4) If you need to challenge something, but gently, you can ask for clarification. This can be good if someone is being manipulative, or subtly undermining others, or hinting at something but doesn’t have the boldness to come right out and be nasty. It is also useful if you think someone didn’t mean it how it sounded, and you can give them another chance to make it better: ‘I’m not clear what you’re trying to get at. Do you want to try again?’ or ‘could you explain that comment please?’ If someone is using their remark as an opening to getting really nasty, don’t use this as it will only give them the opportunity!

(5) You can acknowledge and postpone a topic or comment that may be inappropriate or aggressive. ‘That’s interesting. I can see it is important. Let’s come back to that another time.’ If it’s personal to you, you can say, ‘I need to think about that. [or] ‘I didn’t know you saw it that way/felt so strongly. Let me sleep on it and get back to you later.’

Can you add your favourite gentle technique to our collection?