Campusalam

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Some people can be very difficult - and they're unlikely to change - but underneath it they're basically okay.

But some people are not. There is a small minority of the population who are not capable of sincere empathy and have no conscience. They may seem 'normal' but they can be very destructive.

As a rule it doesn't feel ethical to marginalise or exclude people you find difficult. But some people are a different matter. Here are some tips for dealing with people who seriously give you the wrong vibes - as if they might be destructive or dangerous in some way.

- Limit your exposure to this person, and the exposure of those you care about or feel responsible for. Avoid them, find ways to prevent them accessing your activities, and do not get drawn into conversation beyond what is absolutely necessary.
- Get support if you need to deal with them, especially if you need to confront them.
- See if you can engineer their removal from the environment without taking the risk of a one-to-one confrontation.
- Remain polite but distant. Avoid social contact and meetings outside whatever contact you are obliged to have.
- Never get emotional with them, positively or negatively. Above all, avoid romantic or sexual entanglements with them. It will be a nightmare. Even ‘friendship’ is a big risk.
- Do not make yourself vulnerable to them in any way. Do not reveal your feelings, personal information, confidences, or the feelings, confidences, or information about anyone else. They may be used against you.
- Do not feel any obligation to please, help, be liked by or co-operate with this person. They will use your natural desire to be liked in order to manipulate you.
- Do not feel guilty, whatever they say or do.
- Do not do what they ask you to do. Never ‘do it just as a favour’.
- Do not believe what they say.
- If they suddenly turn nice, or even charming or flattering, still do not trust them.
- Do not get angry, lose your temper, display any emotion including negative ones. They will take this as a sign of their success in manipulating your feelings.
- Always treat them with justice and impartiality. Do them no favours but do them no wrong.
- If you need to have transactions with them, have witnesses or get things in writing.
- If they are acting destructively in a situation or abusing or manipulating you or someone you feel responsible for, challenge them. But do not expect them to agree, acknowledge, or confess. Do this simply so that they realise that you see through them and are not deceived. Do not expect them to change their behaviour unless they see an advantage purely to themselves in doing so.
- When challenging them, be straight: not angry, not pleading or placating. State the behaviour, sticking closely to the facts, and state that it will not be tolerated. Show them where your boundaries are, in deeds if not in words. If you need to, hide behind a ‘policy’ to protect yourself against them challenging your personal boundaries as unreasonable or unjustified.
- Do not get sucked into an argument or defending yourself or negotiating. State it and leave it. Repeat it if necessary, but draw things quickly to a close and leave the room if you can. Do not get manipulated into a discussion on it if they accuse you of being unreasonable.
- Be prepared for shocking behaviour, though it may happen covertly and behind your back. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, socially or in practice.
- As soon as you can, if you can, get this person out of the environment before they do serious damage.

Have you had experience of someone really dangerous in some way? Do you have any advice to add to help others?