Campusalam

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Using impersonal language helps to remove the unconscious sense of attack and threat, and saves face for people. It makes it much easier for them to accept you redirecting their behaviour. Compare the following sentences and see which is less likely to get an aggressive reaction:

‘When you attack people like that it’s really destructive.’

‘If people feel under attack it can have a destructive effect.’

Careful use of language can work wonders to move the discussion out of the emotions and onto constructive ground. Instead of attacking the negative, promote the positive. Compare:

‘When you keep interrupting it makes it very difficult.’

‘When each person can make their point freely the discussion flows much better.’

Using abstract words can create a lot of unnecessary arguments. Look how people in our society argue about whether ‘religion’ is a good or a bad thing. When you say ‘religious people’ some of us are thinking about the best people we know, and some of us are thinking about the worst. Of course we’re not going to agree! The word is too vague. But sometimes that vagueness can help to lower the emotional temperature; especially if the vague and abstract word is one that everyone feels positively about.

‘We agreed that we wanted a safe space where people feel empowered to raise all kinds of views, whether we agree with those views or not.’

It is almost always a good thing to re-direct people’s attention to the positive rather than criticise or attack a negative behaviour.

If someone is complaining a lot or making an issue of something, you can bounce them into a positive mode, perhaps in problem-solving way. ‘You’ve obviously thought long and hard about this, how would you like to resolve it?’ Or: ‘This is obviously something that you think is quite important. What would you say about it?’

‘Instead of… let’s…’ is a good way to swiftly replace negative stuff with a more positive suggestion. It can be said very impersonally so that no-one loses face. ‘Instead of concentrating on grievances let’s focus on some positive initiatives we could take.’ Or: ‘Instead of having these gaps in communication in our planning phase, let’s commit ourselves to talking weekly on the phone.’