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Skills Toolbox > Dealing with people > Engaging the brain > How to take the heat out
The first thing to do is to make sure that you stay calm yourself. Of course you don’t want to join in a fight. And if you are feeling worked up yourself inside, you are not giving yourself full access to your own thinking brain to solve this problem! You can help yourself stay calm physically by taking a few deep, slow breaths and relaxing any muscles that have tensed up. You can help yourself mentally by remembering that this is not personal to you and it is not your fault.
Here are some tips - and check out the section on communication next.
- Stay calm and objective yourself
- Remain pleasant and respectful, treating everyone equally
- Moderate the discussion to prevent others from driving up the emotional temperature
- When in doubt, summarise
- Identify the real points at issue and make it less personal
- Use calming, impersonal language techniques
- Move the discussion on to a positive angle on the question, or another subject
- Switch to an activity that will distract from the point of contention, and start to engage the thinking brain instead
- Use humour carefully to reduce tension, but not if it will wind someone up or offend them
- Tell a story that seems irrelevant – but maybe isn’t
If all else fails – call for a tea break! That will let people calm down; it allows you to speak to the individuals privately and constructively; and it lets you make a fresh start in a more positive direction after the break.
Anything you can add to this list?
Comments
21:14, 16 February 2008
I chair a committee in which there are factions growing around a particular devotion. No need to say what it is! Some feel that it should be promoted, others find it distasteful. I can see that the emotional hijack thing is taking place... More from one side than the other, but eventually the other gets pulled into it.
As chair I feel it's important to be impartial, and I don't mention my own opinion in the group. I get quite nervous as temperatures rise, though now that it's happened a few times and the committee has survived, I'm not as scared as I was.
But I wonder if there's more I can do, maybe in starting the meeting with a request to respect each other -- or would that make the people feel more under threat?
Malia
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12:04, 18 February 2008
Hi Malia, thanks for your comment. Your experience sounds like one many of us have had!
I think you're right - to be really upfront telling people how to behave might make them feel they're being told off and raise the emotions even more.
Maybe you can approach it more indirectly... tell a story that conceals the point... or start with an exercise that builds understanding of the other side into it (see our 'formats and activities' section, I've put in some links in 'More Campusalam' above on the right)... or ask people indirectly how 'they' would like the group to feel so it puts responsibility on them, but do it through a creative exercise like 'sticker voting' -- not by saying 'How would YOU feel if...!'
If you need to tackle it head on while it's happening in a session try using impersonal language or the Moderator Technique.
Have things like this worked in the past or have you tried everything and it's not getting better?!
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