Intent vs. Impact

Separate intent from impact.

The intent is what a person meant to do.

The impact is the effect it had on someone else.

The impact it had may not be what the person intended.

(From Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell)

Separate their 'intent' from the 'impact' of their behaviour when talking to them.

Confrontational:
'You said that to humiliate her'

Skilful:
'Unfortunately, she felt humiliated in that conversation, even if that wasn't your intention.'

Don't accuse them of wanting to hurt or anger other people. Give them the benefit of the doubt. That way they're also less likely to become defensive and react badly.

If the injured party is present too, acknowledge the impact that it had on them without attributing vicious intent to the person who hurt them. That way you can keep the trust of both parties at the same time.

Avoid accusations by separating impact from intent:

Acknowledge the impact.
Give the benefit of the doubt on intent.

When trying to understand what went wrong, don't start assigning blame, and don't get sucked in to it when the others do.

Rephrase it instead – think of it in a different way. Maybe as:
- Different contributions that people have made
- Two sides of a story
- Intent was different from impact

Confrontational:
- 'Whether you admit it or not, the group fell apart because of what you did.'
- 'You've created fitna…'
- 'You deliberately set out to sabotage the event.'

Skilful:
- 'Different people did different things, but the end result is that the group has become divided and is in danger of falling apart.'
- 'Let's look at the role that different factors played, and the effect they had. There was what you said in the meeting on Tuesday. There was the phone call she made last night. Can each of you see how it looked to the other person at the time?'
- 'Each person's view and each person's actions make a contribution to this. If we put them all together we'll get the whole picture.'