Techniques for standing your ground calmly

There's a lot of talk of assertiveness, but some of us don't find it easy. And it isn't in everyone's personal style. Here are some ways to make sure you can stand your ground without being aggressive.

1) The classic three-part messages of assertiveness.

A standard formula for being assertive has been developed that goes like this:

When you do x, I feel y, because z.

'When you interrupt me, I feel annoyed because it makes me feel like you don't respect what I say..'

This is okay but in many situations it is still too confrontational, and maybe also too personal. It is not usually a good technique to use in a group, for example. There are some smoother, gentler, more successful alternatives.

(2) One simple way to improve on it is to make it less personal – first take out the 'you'. Make it pleasantly impersonal. Instead of:

'When you don't tell me about changes in the plan, I feel frustrated…'

Try:

'When information doesn't get passed on, people feel frustrated'….

(3) Another low-key technique that works in or outside a small group is to describe the resulting situation or impact of their undesirable behaviour but without naming the behaviour or who is doing it.

'We've got a situation here where people are feeling attacked.'

Then you can invite their response – either 'how shall we solve this' or 'what do you think we can do about it?'

(4) Equally, you can just leave out the 'feeling' part: describe the situation and the unfortunate result:

'When there are communication breakdowns, the planning process can't go forward.'

(5) This example also demonstrates another technique: using vague or abstract words to describe the situation, rather than 'You do/I feel'. Compare this three-part version to the classic 'assertiveness' one:

'When there are communication breakdowns, it is counterproductive, because people can't move forward without this information.'

(Instead of 'When you don't tell anyone else what you're doing it messes up all the rest of us!')

(6) Finally, when everyone is going at it in a negative way and the situation is nearly out of control, you can use a manoeuvre we call the Sutherland Sweep, named for a colleague who was good at redirecting meetings back into a more constructive direction. When everyone got out of their pram and started arguing, he would regain control without offending anyone by saying 'This discussion shows the importance of …' and then fill in whatever more positive thing he wanted people to focus on instead.

When someone is going on and on and is hard to shut up: 'Your point is a very good one, and it shows the importance of…'

When a fight is about to erupt: 'The wide range of views on this question is a good reason why…'

It's a very easy technique but surprisingly effective.

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